1. David missed this when it was originally posted forever ago and I was all, OH MY GOD, SO FUNNY YOU HAVE TO READ IT.

    But then I just decided to read it all out loud to him in my best Sprockets voice and had the best time.

    I recommend you do this with the one you love.

    My Christmas present to you, Tumblr.

    hurtling:

    This was written several years ago by my friend and colleague Curtis Ross. I’m posting it here because I just found it among some old files and it’s goddamn brilliant.

    THE KRAFTWERK COMEDY HOUR (Tuesdays, 9 p.m. EST, ABC-TV, Summer replacement series, 1978)

    FLORIAN: Ralf, you are wearing one red sock and one blue sock.

    RALF: Yes. I have a second pair which is identical.

    (LAUGHTER)

    FLORIAN: End laughter now. 

    ____

    THE KRAFTWERK COMEDY HOUR (Tuesdays, 9 p.m., ABC-TV, summer replacement series 1978)

    RALF: Cher now will sing.

    (Cher performs “Half-Breed and then joins Kraftwerk for a medley of train songs, including her own “Train of Thought” and Kraftwerk’s ”Trans-Europe Express.”)

    CHER: It’s great to be here, guys!

    (Ralf and Florian stare blankly)

    RALF: Cher, your marriage to Gregg Allman was of an extremely short duration.

    (Audience laughs)

    FLORIAN: Your previous husband Sonny Bono often appeared as a buffoon. The marriage also failed.

    CHER: 

    (Audience laughs; applause)   

    ____

    THE KRAFTWERK COMEDY HOUR (Tuesdays, 9 p.m. EST, ABC-TV, Summer replacement series, 1978)

    FLORIAN: Knock knock.

    RALF: Who is there.

    FLORIAN: Florian.

    RALF: Yes.

    (LAUGHTER)

    ____

    Excerpt from “RALF!,” an issues-oriented afternoon talk show. First aired April 23, 1982.

    ANNOUNCER: “What you’ll talk about tomorrow, we’re talking about today on RALF! Please welcome your host, RALF!”

    RALF: Discontinue applause. Thank you. My guest today is Helen Gurley Brown, editor of Cosmopolitan, who will talk about the current issue and its feature article, “7 Sex Secrets To Drive Your Man Wild.” Guest will proceed to the stage.

    (Brown enters to applause and takes the seat facing Ralf.)

    RALF: This article is quite ridiculous. There are no secrets to men’s sexual wishes. Men want to be brought to climax as swiftly as possible and then to go to sleep. Or possibly to have a snack. This silliness involving the lingerie and the massaging and the oils and feather dusters is nonsense. You have wasted our time and will please leave the stage.

    HELEN GURLEY BROWN: …

    RALF: Tomorrow’s guest is the author of a best-selling diet book which also is extremely useless. To lose weight you must consume fewer calories than you are burning. There is no other method and this information would hardly fill a book. Yet it has been written, published and many of you have purchased it. You are ridiculous people.

    We seem to have a great deal of time left. The audience will remain seated or staring at their television screens until the end of the hour. 

    (via kellydeal)

     
  1. przy likes this
  2. hellbox likes this
  3. frageelay likes this
  4. apricotica likes this
  5. pocketcuntents likes this
  6. dwineman likes this
  7. jmdj likes this
  8. stuffparty likes this
  9. davesnothere likes this
  10. davio1962 reblogged this from tymethiefslongerthoughts and added:
    File this under, “Things I wish I wrote” — a rapidly expanding folder.
  11. davio1962 likes this
  12. styro likes this
  13. lyall likes this
  14. halfbakedidea likes this
  15. istealforksfromrestaurants likes this
  16. cranberryflags likes this
  17. thisistheglamorous likes this
  18. tymethiefslongerthoughts reblogged this from kellydeal
  19. tymethiefslongerthoughts likes this
  20. stuft likes this
  21. missbananafish reblogged this from kellydeal
  22. potjie likes this
  23. kellydeal reblogged this from kellydeal and added:
    David missed this when it was originally posted forever ago and I was all, OH MY GOD, SO FUNNY YOU HAVE TO READ IT. But...
  24. adastra30 reblogged this from ericmortensen
  25. adastra30 likes this
  26. subtonic12 likes this
  27. lowbroweye likes this
  28. vindictaphone likes this
  29. taegonmclaughlinsmells likes this
  30. thedlc likes this
  31. eversonpoe likes this
  32. brilliantorange likes this
  33. thatandycohen reblogged this from ericmortensen
  34. pvaras likes this
  35. seoulbrother likes this
  36. facemeltingaction likes this
  37. jeremyfuksa likes this
  38. incorrigiblerobot likes this
  39. a12thway2reachme likes this
  40. tehawesome likes this
  41. ericmortensen reblogged this from hurtling
  42. showsimissed likes this
  43. scholvin likes this
  44. apethink likes this
  45. onesmallfire likes this
  46. flecton likes this
  47. 5by5kevin likes this
  48. fuiru likes this
  49. ultraglideinblack reblogged this from kellydeal and added:
    THE KRAFTWERK COMEDY HOUR (Tuesdays, 9 p.m. EST, ABC-TV, Summer replacement series, 1978) Knock knock. Who is there....